Heartbreak

Who came up with the term heartbreak? Had they ever had their heartbroken? Because this is like a whole body break, like a hydraulic press crushing my chest. Like my legs forgot how to hold my weight and my arms helplessly reaching out for anything sign of hope to hold onto. My whole body aches, a constant dull ache.
Friends and family send their condolences, like they do when someone dies. Only it's not a person its a relationship. My relationship. My relationship ended and everyone reaches out to make sure I'm okay and to let me know they're so sorry and that the never saw it coming. Like the fact that our friends never saw it coming is meant to make it better, the fact that he had obviously made the decision without speaking to his friends about it. This only adds to my confusion, although I'm not really confused which makes me more confused.
He told me he didn't see me in his future, he told me that after 2 years and plans made to buy a home, get married and start a family that he had changed his mind. Just like that he'd changed his mind. All those plans I had, the future I had dreamed of ripped away from me in a sentence.
It hadn't come as a total surprise, he had mentioned before that he didn't want to get married, and I'd said that I was okay with that. That despite dreaming of my wedding day my whole life and having the whole thing planned since I was 14 that if he didn't want it then I'd live without it, after all it was more about spending my life with him. To live my forever with him by my side, even if I was 68 and still calling him my boyfriend. But I think I'd hoped that he would change his mind, that once we were in our own home, that we'd settled in our jobs and weren't so concerned about money all the time that he would change his mind. Maybe once a couple more of his friends had settled down and he could see that settling down, getting married and having a family didn't mean that life has to be over, that he could still do all the things he liked to do.
He told me he wasn't happy anymore but we agreed to work on it, to work on us. To make more effort to make time for each other, it didn't even last a week. He didn't want to make the effort, it was easier to end the relationship. It had got to the point that I meant that little to him and I had become that much of an inconvenience that he didn't want to make any effort to try to save the relationship. A relationship I would have gone to the ends of the earth to keep together.
I think I had just thought that we could make it through anything, that there was nothing we wouldn't overcome.
I was not enough, it was as simple as that. I am not enough.
And while everyone tells me that I deserve better, I deserve to be treated like a princess, and to be someone's number one priority. And I can hear myself saying those things to everyone who has been through something similar and I agree with everything they're saying, only I don't believe it. Because I would come in third place after a guitar and a wall if I got him. If I got to go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with him, if I got to spend everyday of my life by his side.
I just keep hoping for a phone call, for him to say he's made a huge mistake, that he's realised he made the biggest mistake of his life and he needs me. Hoping for a phone call deep down inside I know isn't coming. I'll hear from him only to resolve the house and to sort out the money we'd saved together. It will be straight to the point, there will be no I miss you's.
I hope it makes him happy, I hope he finds whatever it is he felt he was missing with me. I hope that the ache passes. But mostly I hope we end up together.