I made him my home
But I was only a stop on his journey.
I made him my forever
But I was only for now.
Wednesday, 24 July 2019
Friday, 19 July 2019
Maybe
The overwhelming feeling 99% of the time is lost.
All of the plans we had made, the future I was so sure on, gone.
I wasn't sure of much in life, I never have been someone with career goals, I don't think I've found something I'm really truly passionate about. That's not to say I don't have goals or aspirations, I do, but they involve buying my own home, getting married and having a family, my number one goal has always been happiness. To be happy.
We had met at 18, young and stupid we lasted 2 months before our immaturity got the better of us and we parted ways. Being dramatic teenagers it was obviously the craziest breakup in the world and we distanced ourselves for a long time. 9 years. I went to see my favorite band with my best friend, we stood in no particular place just somewhere that gave us a half decent view of the stage. It was there, right there in a nondescript spot in a place of no real importance the we began again. I was so sure it was fate, or destiny, that the universe had it written that we would meet again. Maybe the universe hadn't intended on us being forever, but I was so sure of it.
I had been the first time round, sure that it was a case of right person wrong time. And maybe that's the case this time. I know in my heart that this guy is meant for me, and I for him. Maybe it'll be another 9 years until the time is right for us, maybe it won't be for another 900.
But for now I'm lost. Lost in the maybe's, in the what if's and the perhaps.
Lost in the what could have been and what should have been.
Lost in the what comes next and the what happens from here.
I've spent my life coasting, maybe this is the time I get to excel at something, I find my passion and I soar.
Maybe I'll stay at my parents, maybe I'll return to the big city, maybe I'll leave the country.
Maybe I'm lost right now but I won't be forever.
All of the plans we had made, the future I was so sure on, gone.
I wasn't sure of much in life, I never have been someone with career goals, I don't think I've found something I'm really truly passionate about. That's not to say I don't have goals or aspirations, I do, but they involve buying my own home, getting married and having a family, my number one goal has always been happiness. To be happy.
We had met at 18, young and stupid we lasted 2 months before our immaturity got the better of us and we parted ways. Being dramatic teenagers it was obviously the craziest breakup in the world and we distanced ourselves for a long time. 9 years. I went to see my favorite band with my best friend, we stood in no particular place just somewhere that gave us a half decent view of the stage. It was there, right there in a nondescript spot in a place of no real importance the we began again. I was so sure it was fate, or destiny, that the universe had it written that we would meet again. Maybe the universe hadn't intended on us being forever, but I was so sure of it.
I had been the first time round, sure that it was a case of right person wrong time. And maybe that's the case this time. I know in my heart that this guy is meant for me, and I for him. Maybe it'll be another 9 years until the time is right for us, maybe it won't be for another 900.
But for now I'm lost. Lost in the maybe's, in the what if's and the perhaps.
Lost in the what could have been and what should have been.
Lost in the what comes next and the what happens from here.
I've spent my life coasting, maybe this is the time I get to excel at something, I find my passion and I soar.
Maybe I'll stay at my parents, maybe I'll return to the big city, maybe I'll leave the country.
Maybe I'm lost right now but I won't be forever.
Wednesday, 17 July 2019
Starting Over
I suppose I'm incredibly lucky that I have a wonderful supportive group of people around me, my best friend of 24 years received a call at 23:15 and 45 minutes later she was at the door step. She stayed up with me all night as I sobbed and snotted in her marital bed (her husband was not home). I stayed at my best friends house for 2 nights before she came back to the house with me to help me pack away my life.
My parents, my amazing parents, hired a van and drove 3 hours to move me into their spare room, understanding without question that I could not stay in that house. The house we had made our home. Props to anyone who remains living with an ex but I know that for me that was not an option. There would be no way that I could live along side him but not with him.
While I know that coming away from the place we called home was the right thing to do, reality hits me every now and again that I have left. I called and quit my job with immediate effect the following day.
I feel incredibly conflicted and all together lost, the future I had planned and had never considered would alter has been taken away from me. Completely ripped from under my feet and it's like I'm stood in front of a vast open space with no idea where I'm going from here. Everyone is being so supportive, telling me the world is my oyster and I can do whatever I want; only that is so overwhelming to me. It's petrifying.
Part of me is worried about finding a job and committing to something up here in case he comes home and wants to try again. I know that simply isn't going to happen, I know him well enough to know that he isn't someone to go back on a decision. He'd live the rest of his life convincing himself everyday it was the right thing to do even if every other fiber of his being told him it was wrong. Maybe we were too different in that sense. Because I trust my gut, in everything, I knew that night was the end, and so I pushed the conversation until he admitted he wanted to break up. Maybe I should have left it, and maybe once he got home from his work trip things would be different. Or maybe he would have come back with the same conclusion. I said it to him the night we broke up I think he signed out of the relationship before he spoke to me about it. I think he had been convincing himself that he was making an effort to work on the relationship but in reality he wasn't doing anything. I had been putting me all into him, into us and he was barely meeting me half way.
Which I know I deserve more than, I know that I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them, but that doesn't mean I don't wish he loved me that much. I'm allowed to wish that he wanted me and much and I want him.
I am under no illusion that we had a perfect relationship, both of us should have put more effort in, I will forever wish I spent less time on my phone like he told me 10000 times but I know I made the effort, I know that I did everything that I could. I was grateful everyday that I got to call him mine, and I was that loser at work who took every opportunity to tell everyone about my boyfriend and how lucky I was to have him. How I believed we were meant to be together.
Who goes out with a guy at 18 for a couple of months then bumps into him 9 years later? Both randomly living in the same city? He made everything make sense, it felt like it was fate, or destiny or just the universe, whatever way you looked at it, whatever you believed it, it was meant to be. We always said 'right person, wrong time' and I still believe that's the case, maybe he just hasn't realised it yet, maybe he needs a little bit longer. Maybe I'm ready for forever but he's not yet. Maybe he's mine but I'm not his.
It's hard to start a new chapter when the last one doesn't feel finished to you.
My parents, my amazing parents, hired a van and drove 3 hours to move me into their spare room, understanding without question that I could not stay in that house. The house we had made our home. Props to anyone who remains living with an ex but I know that for me that was not an option. There would be no way that I could live along side him but not with him.
While I know that coming away from the place we called home was the right thing to do, reality hits me every now and again that I have left. I called and quit my job with immediate effect the following day.
I feel incredibly conflicted and all together lost, the future I had planned and had never considered would alter has been taken away from me. Completely ripped from under my feet and it's like I'm stood in front of a vast open space with no idea where I'm going from here. Everyone is being so supportive, telling me the world is my oyster and I can do whatever I want; only that is so overwhelming to me. It's petrifying.
Part of me is worried about finding a job and committing to something up here in case he comes home and wants to try again. I know that simply isn't going to happen, I know him well enough to know that he isn't someone to go back on a decision. He'd live the rest of his life convincing himself everyday it was the right thing to do even if every other fiber of his being told him it was wrong. Maybe we were too different in that sense. Because I trust my gut, in everything, I knew that night was the end, and so I pushed the conversation until he admitted he wanted to break up. Maybe I should have left it, and maybe once he got home from his work trip things would be different. Or maybe he would have come back with the same conclusion. I said it to him the night we broke up I think he signed out of the relationship before he spoke to me about it. I think he had been convincing himself that he was making an effort to work on the relationship but in reality he wasn't doing anything. I had been putting me all into him, into us and he was barely meeting me half way.
Which I know I deserve more than, I know that I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them, but that doesn't mean I don't wish he loved me that much. I'm allowed to wish that he wanted me and much and I want him.
I am under no illusion that we had a perfect relationship, both of us should have put more effort in, I will forever wish I spent less time on my phone like he told me 10000 times but I know I made the effort, I know that I did everything that I could. I was grateful everyday that I got to call him mine, and I was that loser at work who took every opportunity to tell everyone about my boyfriend and how lucky I was to have him. How I believed we were meant to be together.
Who goes out with a guy at 18 for a couple of months then bumps into him 9 years later? Both randomly living in the same city? He made everything make sense, it felt like it was fate, or destiny or just the universe, whatever way you looked at it, whatever you believed it, it was meant to be. We always said 'right person, wrong time' and I still believe that's the case, maybe he just hasn't realised it yet, maybe he needs a little bit longer. Maybe I'm ready for forever but he's not yet. Maybe he's mine but I'm not his.
It's hard to start a new chapter when the last one doesn't feel finished to you.
Monday, 15 July 2019
Heartbreak
Who came up with the term heartbreak? Had they ever had their heartbroken? Because this is like a whole body break, like a hydraulic press crushing my chest. Like my legs forgot how to hold my weight and my arms helplessly reaching out for anything sign of hope to hold onto. My whole body aches, a constant dull ache.
Friends and family send their condolences, like they do when someone dies. Only it's not a person its a relationship. My relationship. My relationship ended and everyone reaches out to make sure I'm okay and to let me know they're so sorry and that the never saw it coming. Like the fact that our friends never saw it coming is meant to make it better, the fact that he had obviously made the decision without speaking to his friends about it. This only adds to my confusion, although I'm not really confused which makes me more confused.
He told me he didn't see me in his future, he told me that after 2 years and plans made to buy a home, get married and start a family that he had changed his mind. Just like that he'd changed his mind. All those plans I had, the future I had dreamed of ripped away from me in a sentence.
It hadn't come as a total surprise, he had mentioned before that he didn't want to get married, and I'd said that I was okay with that. That despite dreaming of my wedding day my whole life and having the whole thing planned since I was 14 that if he didn't want it then I'd live without it, after all it was more about spending my life with him. To live my forever with him by my side, even if I was 68 and still calling him my boyfriend. But I think I'd hoped that he would change his mind, that once we were in our own home, that we'd settled in our jobs and weren't so concerned about money all the time that he would change his mind. Maybe once a couple more of his friends had settled down and he could see that settling down, getting married and having a family didn't mean that life has to be over, that he could still do all the things he liked to do.
He told me he wasn't happy anymore but we agreed to work on it, to work on us. To make more effort to make time for each other, it didn't even last a week. He didn't want to make the effort, it was easier to end the relationship. It had got to the point that I meant that little to him and I had become that much of an inconvenience that he didn't want to make any effort to try to save the relationship. A relationship I would have gone to the ends of the earth to keep together.
I think I had just thought that we could make it through anything, that there was nothing we wouldn't overcome.
I was not enough, it was as simple as that. I am not enough.
And while everyone tells me that I deserve better, I deserve to be treated like a princess, and to be someone's number one priority. And I can hear myself saying those things to everyone who has been through something similar and I agree with everything they're saying, only I don't believe it. Because I would come in third place after a guitar and a wall if I got him. If I got to go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with him, if I got to spend everyday of my life by his side.
I just keep hoping for a phone call, for him to say he's made a huge mistake, that he's realised he made the biggest mistake of his life and he needs me. Hoping for a phone call deep down inside I know isn't coming. I'll hear from him only to resolve the house and to sort out the money we'd saved together. It will be straight to the point, there will be no I miss you's.
I hope it makes him happy, I hope he finds whatever it is he felt he was missing with me. I hope that the ache passes. But mostly I hope we end up together.
Friends and family send their condolences, like they do when someone dies. Only it's not a person its a relationship. My relationship. My relationship ended and everyone reaches out to make sure I'm okay and to let me know they're so sorry and that the never saw it coming. Like the fact that our friends never saw it coming is meant to make it better, the fact that he had obviously made the decision without speaking to his friends about it. This only adds to my confusion, although I'm not really confused which makes me more confused.
He told me he didn't see me in his future, he told me that after 2 years and plans made to buy a home, get married and start a family that he had changed his mind. Just like that he'd changed his mind. All those plans I had, the future I had dreamed of ripped away from me in a sentence.
It hadn't come as a total surprise, he had mentioned before that he didn't want to get married, and I'd said that I was okay with that. That despite dreaming of my wedding day my whole life and having the whole thing planned since I was 14 that if he didn't want it then I'd live without it, after all it was more about spending my life with him. To live my forever with him by my side, even if I was 68 and still calling him my boyfriend. But I think I'd hoped that he would change his mind, that once we were in our own home, that we'd settled in our jobs and weren't so concerned about money all the time that he would change his mind. Maybe once a couple more of his friends had settled down and he could see that settling down, getting married and having a family didn't mean that life has to be over, that he could still do all the things he liked to do.
He told me he wasn't happy anymore but we agreed to work on it, to work on us. To make more effort to make time for each other, it didn't even last a week. He didn't want to make the effort, it was easier to end the relationship. It had got to the point that I meant that little to him and I had become that much of an inconvenience that he didn't want to make any effort to try to save the relationship. A relationship I would have gone to the ends of the earth to keep together.
I think I had just thought that we could make it through anything, that there was nothing we wouldn't overcome.
I was not enough, it was as simple as that. I am not enough.
And while everyone tells me that I deserve better, I deserve to be treated like a princess, and to be someone's number one priority. And I can hear myself saying those things to everyone who has been through something similar and I agree with everything they're saying, only I don't believe it. Because I would come in third place after a guitar and a wall if I got him. If I got to go to sleep every night and wake up every morning with him, if I got to spend everyday of my life by his side.
I just keep hoping for a phone call, for him to say he's made a huge mistake, that he's realised he made the biggest mistake of his life and he needs me. Hoping for a phone call deep down inside I know isn't coming. I'll hear from him only to resolve the house and to sort out the money we'd saved together. It will be straight to the point, there will be no I miss you's.
I hope it makes him happy, I hope he finds whatever it is he felt he was missing with me. I hope that the ache passes. But mostly I hope we end up together.
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